It envelopes me in complete and utter darkness; loneliness.
For years I have struggled with being lonely. Every failed relationship led to loneliness and it just kept happening. I use the past tense because I think a part of me has given up. My heart is too frozen to be broken anymore. With that though comes the lonely days and the lonely nights. I usually like to laugh and have fun, but on my lonely days, when I’m not working I just can’t be anything but happy. I try to fill the days up with things, arts and crafts, baking, cooking, cleaning… just anything to keep going to make those days shorter. Most people, in fact everyone I know, enjoys their weekends, but it fills me with dread.
Friends are hard to come by, I do try and I do have a few friends, but at my age most are married and have kids. I lie in bed at night wondering where I went wrong. Is it my fault I am lonely? Did I make a bad move by not getting married when I had the chance?
This doesn’t feel good..but I keep telling myself I just need to keep going and hope that one day the loneliness will ease and that heavy dark cloak I have carried for years just disappears.